Stories

  • And then it hit me

    On January 25 my life was forever changed. The sun was just coming up when my three-year-old bounced into our room, onto our bed and then flung his body and his head backwards — into my face. I only remember the cracking sound. After that I don’t remember much.

    I remember stumbling to the bathroom. I remember throwing up and I remember saying “I’m ok” over and over again.

    Over the next 3 days my symptoms just got worse. I was told I had a concussion. I wasn’t able to see clearly out of my left eye and for whatever reason my left arm wasn’t working properly but I thought that was a normal side effect of getting hit in the head.

    After a few days I decided to try and go to the grocery store and discovered I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t remember my address. I didn’t know where I was, and the cars were so loud I couldn’t think. I started to throw up again and cry. I was 60 feet away from my house. The clerk at the convenience store across the street had to walk me back home.

    My husband was worried. I was annoyed! I couldn’t do anything. I wasn’t able to go to work, care for my kids or even do basic things. My husband said that it would just take some time and we both agreed things could not possibly get worse. They did.

    Strange things started happening. I woke up on the couch with a mouth full of blood, exhausted and sweating. I would be sitting eating breakfast and the next thing I knew my bowl was tipped over and I was covered in cereal. I stopped eating hot food as I burned my lap once and I couldn’t remember spilling it. On the weekend my husband was in the basement and came up the stairs to see what I wanted as I had been knocking on the floor.

    I wasn’t knocking. It was my head repeatedly hitting the floor — I was having a seizure.

    Things moved rather quickly after that. Neurologists, MRIs, EEGs, more EEGs. During these appointments it was also confirmed something that I already knew but would never admit.

    I couldn’t read.

    A 33-year-old woman who always had something to read tucked in her purse and would skip nights of sleep just to finish a novel was now unable to read street signs or instructions.

    In one week I was told the following:

    • I was not to pick up my children or carry them (my youngest was 18 months). If I had a seizure, I could drop them
    • I was accepted onto Long Term Disability. My neurologist did not feel like this would resolve in less than 2 years.
    • I was accepted into the Acquired Brain Injury program where I was going to work with a team who would help me daily to use memory aids, learn how to go grocery shop and work to control my rage filled outbursts that often accompany traumatic brain injuries.

    Often times you hear of people who at their lowest points muster up the energy to do great magical things. This was not one of those times.

    I repeatedly told my husband to leave me. I cried all the time. We ended up selling our house on a major street as even with earplugs I could not stand the noise of traffic and people.

    My rehab team had me make a list of things I wanted to accomplish in the next 6 months. This was my list:

    • Pick up my children from school and daycare
    • Do grocery shopping
    • Make dinner 1x a week
    • Read simple passages and phrases

    And that is what I did. I worked full time at getting better. I began to learn to read again with my 4-year-old (I still hate those frog and toad books); I learned how to grocery shop by just buying the exact same things all the time; I wore earplugs to control the noise outside; I went out with only one person at a time as groups of people were overwhelming. I saw specialists to help control the crippling headaches, so I was not confined to my bed after 5:00pm.

    After 1.5 years I had gone through my list and 3 other lists. One night after I had made dinner — all by myself — my husband said to me: “Well if you can do this, you can do anything. What do you want to do?”

    I spent over a year of my life worrying that if I fell asleep, I wouldn’t wake up and that I would never see my children again. I worried I would have a seizure on the street and get hit by a car.

    I wanted to work. I used to love my job. I decided to try to work for myself so that I could take it slowly and also spend much needed time with my kids that I felt I had lost to over 140 appointments and hours in rehab and waiting rooms.

    I had been a return to work specialist and HR professional before this and I wanted to keep using those skills to help individuals rather than only Fortune 500 companies. Careerlove was born. I spend my time working with women who are looking to make changes, achieve leadership roles, start their own business and navigate returning to work after maternity leave as well as some HR projects for businesses who I feel I can make an impact with. It was the best decision I ever made.

    I am still not perfect. I will never enjoy loud concerts and still use computer software to read long emails to me but almost losing everything at 33 has made me a different person.

    I keep this list in my purse on a scrap of paper. It is my life list:

    • Never say can’t. Say I don’t want to, or it is not a priority. I can do anything I want.
    • This day and every day is a gift. If it was your last would you be happy?
    • Slow down.
    • Good things take time. Don’t be afraid to spend time building something spectacular
    • Ignore outside noise. If it is important let it in. (This is for noise but also stress, unwanted advice and criticism)
    • Tell them you love them. Every day. Preferably more than once

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  • A love letter to all the Moms at Work

    Hey you,

    Come and sit down. 

    I have one thing to say and if you don’t read any further just take this message with you every single place you go. 

    I am really proud of you.

    Proud of you for showing up.  For saying no. For trying your hardest to be all the things. For all of it.

    No one talked about how hard this would be.

    No one prepared you for the guilt, the anger, the rage and the sadness that would come with what working + mothering would bring.

    I want to tell you something else. You have done nothing wrong. 

    It isn’t that you didn’t work hard enough, put in enough hours, lean in the right way or took the wrong women’s leadership course. The truth is – that work wasn’t designed for you. It wasn’t made for caregivers – but that doesn’t make it right. And I am NOT telling you to just accept this and move on.

    I want you to come in close and listen to me. 

    You are not alone. There are MILLIONS of working mothers and I want to tell you a secret. We are organizing. 

    Now, I want you to imagine this. 

    You get invited to dinner and all you need to do is show up.

    You don’t need to put on make up or get a babysitter or bring wine.

    You don’t need to email and remind your partner to come with you.

    You don’t even need to RSVP – because we are always here for you.

    We just want you. 

    All of you – not hiding pieces of yourself.

    I want you to bring your ambition and your kid’s special needs and your love for music and your stories of how you were denied a promotion. I want you to share your amazing grades from school, your volunteer work. I want you to be too much. I want you to be angry and furious and full of laughter. I want it all.

    I want you to sit down and see me smiling at you.

    Welcome to Moms at Work I say. 

    We have been waiting for you.

    We are going to make this better. 

    Not by fixing you. You are perfect.

    We need to change work and expectations and that is not easy but I promise you it is indeed possible.

    I want you to come and listen and learn and I want you to share the things you learn with other women, your kids, your partner and your workplace. I want you to talk about us. I want you to bring us with you to work, on your walk with friends and when the time comes I want you to bring us to talk with your workplace. I want you to bring others to join us.

    I want you to know that you don’t need to do this alone. You don’t need to fight everyday but you do need to try, and fail, and then sit down and be frustrated. But then I want you to get up. Try again. And if it is too heavy hand it to me. I can take it. I promise you I can. 

    I want you to know that you are no longer alone. You are a part of something big. 

    You are now part of something bigger than we could never have imagined.

    I believe in all the things that Moms at Work can be.

    I believe in you.

    I believe in myself 

    And sometimes that belief is more important than anything else in the world.

    So come and sit with us. But if you take nothing from this letter other than one thing – let it be this.

    Remember how very very proud I am of you.

    Love,

    Al

    Allison Venditti

    Founder – Moms at Work http://www.thisismomsatwork.com

    If you never want to miss a touching love letter, update on our advocacy, our latest project to support the change of parental leave in Canada or how to join our Collective group before it fills up (and it always fills up!) Join our newsletter here

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  • 2022 Holiday Booklist

    The Moms at Work Collective regularly brings together authors, thinkers, and people dedicated to making an impact. As a group we work on learning, changing and growing as leaders and changemakers.

    As a gift to a friend or yourself, a good book is a beautiful thing. This booklist is made up of books from some of our author guests and recommendations from our members and network. Check them out and join our community.


    Books To Inspire

    Still Hopeful

    Maude Barlow

    A lifetime of advocacy as a feminist and world’s leading water defender. Maude Barlow is an icon – this book is a gift.

    Ejaculate Responsibly: A Whole New Way to Think about Abortion

    Gabrielle Stanley Blair

    Abortion has always been labelled as a women’s issue – what happens when we reframe that?

    Women and Leadership: Real Lives, Real Lessons

    Julia Gillard and Ngozi Okonjo-Iweala

    The authors take a comprehensive approach to teasing out what is different for women who lead. Real stories, great insight.

    The Three Mothers: How the Mothers of Martin Luther King, Jr., Malcolm X, and James Baldwin Shaped a Nation

    Anna Malaika Tubbs

    Mothers are powerful. Read the stories of how these mothers raised leaders and shaped a nation.


    Books To Escape

    Black Sci-Fi Short Stories

    Temi Oh (Foreword), Tia Ross (Co-editor), Dr. Sandra M. Grayson (Introduction)

    This collection is powerful and showcases the world building skills of a set of authors who will change how you see earth and beyond.

    Healing Through Words

    Rupi Kaur

    In her newest release – Canadian poet shares pieces of herself as she attempts to help heal us through words.

    Fierce Fairytales: Poems and Stories to Stir Your Soul

    Nikita Gill

    In this book, gone are the docile women and male saviors. Instead, lines blur between heroes and villains. You will meet fearless princesses, and an independent Gretel who can bring down monsters on her own.

    Woman World

    Aminder Dhaliwal

    When a birth defect wipes out the planet’s entire population of men, Woman World rises out of society’s ashes. Dhaliwal’s infectiously funny graphic novel follows the rebuilding process.


    Books To Grow

    Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot

    Mikki Kendall

    In her searing collection of essays, Mikki Kendall takes aim at the legitimacy of the modern feminist movement, arguing that it has chronically failed to address the needs of all but a few women.

    We Were Feminists Once: From Riot Grrrl to CoverGirl®, the Buying and Selling of a Political Movement

    Andi Zeisler

    What does it mean when social change becomes a brand identity? Feminism’s splashy arrival at the center of today’s media and pop-culture marketplace, after all, hasn’t offered solutions to the movement’s unfinished business. So what is next?

    Laziness Does Not Exist

    Devon Price

    A conversational, stirring call to “a better, more human way to live” that examines the “laziness lie”—which falsely tells us we are not working or learning hard enough.

    Essential Labor: Mothering as Social Change

    Angela Garbes

    Part galvanizing manifesto, part poignant narrative, Essential Labor is a beautifully rendered reflection on care that reminds us of the irrefutable power and beauty of mothering.

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  • The Morning Routine of One Regular Mom

    The other morning while trying to simultaneously — do the dishes, get the cat away from the pile of unfolded laundry and also check the morning news — this article popped up as “recommended for me”:

    The Morning Routines of 12 Women Leaders

    As I was in the midst of my own morning routine, I thought it would be interesting to compare. If, like me, you do not have the time to read the whole article — let me give you the highlight reel from a few different mothers, at least the ones Forbes picked.

    Their Morning Highlights:

    • Mom A: 4:45am Wake up and have a bowl of quinoa cereal. I do an hour or so of 3rd or 4th series Ashtanga yoga.
    • Mom B: 7:15–7:45am Make breakfast for family. When producing or directing, I rarely made it home in time to cook dinner, so I shifted the focus to breakfast. I make buttermilk pancakes, eggs in a frame, and for over a decade, we have Crepes Thursday. I make the batter the night before (so the flour absorbs the liquid) and then customize for each family member with fresh-toasted pecans, Nutella, marshmallows, and bananas.
    • Mom C: 5:44am My internal clock, without fail, always wakes me 60 seconds before iPhone alarm goes off.
    • Mom D: 6:30am Breakfast with husband

    Now to be fair there were a few — “ask kids to get shoes on…..ask kids to get shoes on again” pieces in here but overall, there was a lot of breathing, working out, reading several newspapers and making complicated breakfasts. I began to temporarily think that I was the odd woman out here. Was I just not able to pull it together? Was I a bad mom for not having “Crepes Thursday”?

    So, after I dropped my temper tantrum throwing 3 year old at daycare that morning I asked another mom — “did you do any yoga this morning?” she almost snorted her coffee out her nose. I felt a bit better.

    I went to work and after getting nothing done other than tidying off my desk, I went back to Google to look up more “morning routines” and it was more of the same. It still made me feel like shit. So, I thought — I will add my morning routine to the list to balance things out. When I make it to being one of the Top 12 women leaders — this is the story I will share.

    My Morning Routine

    • 6:45am: Alarm goes off. Curse the Gods that it has only been an hour since I had just been up with a weepy 3 year old who refused to go back to bed without a back rub and song at 4:45am
    • 6:50am: Still laying there. I am not meditating or breathing but deciding whether or not to weep due to lack of sleep.
    • 6:55am: Forced to get up. My 5 year old is on the toilet and I heard him tell his brother to pee in the bath if he can’t hold it.
    • 7:00–7:15am: Navigate 4 bodies in one bathroom as showers, teeth brushing, shaving and yelling all take place at the same time.
    • 7:15–7:30am: Get dressed, brush hair. Help kids get their clothes on and get downstairs. My 3 year old has a banana. I don’t even know where he got that.
    • 7:30am: Make breakfast. Your choices are fruit, cereal or yogurt or any combination of the three because Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday I like to offer a comfortable variety — I now call Continental Breakfast in order to compete with that woman’s Crepe Thursday.
    • 7:35am: Take naked 3 year old back upstairs — as he has somehow managed to undress himself.
    • 7:45am: Kids take 10 minutes to read books, play a quiet game or wrestle and break furniture. This is time I now have to spend changing my shirt. I thought I could get away with the yogurt stain but realized I have apple sauce all over my pants.
    • 7:55am: We start to get ready to leave for daycare and school
    • 8:15am: After successfully finding shoes for both kids, having them get their coats on by asking less than 25 times and with both school bags in hand I am feeling victorious. We are early! I look forward to a pleasant stroll and enjoying quality time with my kids.
    • 8:30am: Burst back through the front door. We were halfway to daycare when I realized I forgot both a lunch and permission form. Found both. But now we are required to jog to get to school on time.
    • 8:35am: Feel like I won the lottery when our neighbour asks if she can walk my oldest to school so I can head directly to daycare. YES! Thank you! MY NEIGHBOUR IS AWESOME!
    • 8:45am: Get to daycare and spend 10 minutes trying to get a pair of indoor shoes on a 3 year old who insists that he doesn’t like the way his shoe looks next to his other shoe.
    • 9:00am: Back home and ready to get to work. Spent an hour cleaning desk and then wrote a blog post instead of working on program development.

    Now I just have to sit and wait for Forbes to call. I am ready for my morning interview.

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